On my bed with the blinds closed shutting out all light I laid listening to the ring of an endless silence. A knock on my door pulled me out of a trance of self pity and my usual obliviousness to draw my attention to my mother in my doorway “Are you okay, there’s dinner?” I stayed there and held on to the pain that now reared its ugly ways to my head and back of my throat. That feeling was the only thing that kept me going. I felt control, power; my pain was mine and no ones to take. The throbbing aches, dizziness, nausea and fatigue were my choice. With a deep sigh I rolled on to my side and fell asleep to the sound of tears hitting my pillow. I woke up with a stabbing pain in my stomach and the room spun as I forced my body up and went to the bathroom. I hung my head for what felt like hours while my body let go of stomach acid because that’s all I had in me. When it finally stopped, I sat back and stared at the wall and watched spots dance over seashell wall paper like reflections of sun shining through crystals. My heart rabid and unsteady I sat shaking wanting it to end, but afraid if it did. My head fell without my minds consent, crashing down with the feeling of falling off the earth entirely. I grasped onto the floor and thought maybe this will be the peace I have longed for. My body shook and trembled while I cried harder than I ever had. I want it to end, I finally was sure I no longer wanted to live. I closed my eyes while my heavy weak body lay on the cold bathroom floor and I drifted to sleep. When I awoke I felt like a ghost, unfortunately that wasn’t true. I could see the door of the bathroom shake as my mother was knocking on it so hard. I unlocked the door and she rushed in asking me questions I still to this day could not remember. When she had finish with her frantic fit she decided I had the flu and sent me to bed. Water hit my stomach like it was acid and my body was aching so bad it didn’t even feel like my own. What I had been doing to myself to make me feel like I had control was really making me lose all control over everything. I started to cry and my mother rushed in asking what was wrong but I couldn’t speak or move or even breathe. I was gasping getting lightheaded as she held me while I saw in that moment, I lost control over my whole life.
